The Mess and the Messenger

The Grace of Grief

Feb 18, 2025

Dear Soul,

Grab a hot cup of tea, some cozy pillows, and a warm blanket. Today’s share is especially poignant, as I have long steeped in water; so to cull the flavor of this belonging. In our positivity driven and achievement oriented culture, certain experiences tend to be avoided; and thus, certain gifts may also be missed.

Loss and grief are challenging bedfellows. No one wants to know them, yet… they eventually arrive at everyone’s door. What you cannot know, until well after they body tackle you to the floor, is that…

They come bearing gifts.
They offer grace.
They can return you to your SELF… and a more natural way of living and being.
They will guide you through darkness, as silent witnesses and pall bearers for the parts of you that must pass.
They are the message, for you to face your mess; and ultimately become the messenger… the modeling… and the mastery.

Once they were strangers… then, loss and grief became my mentors.

I have experienced a great deal of loss over the last twenty-five years. And, with deep reflection the last decade — due to a most difficult, painful and gut-wrenching loss having occurred during this period — a great deal of insight came to awareness.

I discovered that each experience of loss compounded, beginning with an original one in childhood; followed by the death of a friend, several miscarriages, the loss of a business I gave 30 years to, family members, and loss of time, memories, experiences and the rights to mother my children. Life changed in an instant.

Amidst the struggle to understand how this could have occurred, I lost my voice, inspiration, and creativity. One identity after another of mine disappeared until no one and nothing was left; except the cold hard ground I sat in; and on.

The initial experience of loss and grief from childhood created every echoing moment that followed (because that is what we unknowingly do). I wondered why darkness would arrive at my door, after having done so much inner work. Surely, ‘darkness’ had something to teach me (to teach all of us).

I began to realize that each loss held specific significance, and was related to a part of myself. Abandonment, betrayal, and lack of support in moments of loss further affected, impacted, and shaped me. (Your moments of loss may have been the same or perhaps you had support. Please know, I am deeply sorrowful for all of your losses. And, if you have not fully grieved, allow yourself the grace of this.)

Although I was impacted physically by the most recent loss in many ways, the effect on my eyes was most fascinating. My sight blurred. Nearsightedness increased, while far-sightedness weakened, literally and physically. That’s what happens when focusing in too close, not desiring to see the future without those that were once present, or unable to see a future different than what is occurring.

Due to the traumatic nature of ‘how’ various losses occurred, grief was heavy. One would think that grief is a natural occurrence that simply begins and ends. But if grieving is unacceptable in one’s societal or familial culture, then what needs to express cannot. It gets repressed; sometimes consciously, and other times unconsciously.

My experience of grief and loss lasted a very, very long time — far too long. Although other factors contributed to this prolonging, my body was also sending clear messages that it could no longer hold what had been repressed over a lifetime; nor what had been long repressed and passed down generationally. My parents were told not to cry as children, and so they never did. And then I came along, and was told I was not to ever cry. Forty years later, the dam broke and the tears would not stop.

Throughout the ten year period of grief, I kept wondering why it was so hard for me to get past grief; and, why my body would not allow me to move forward. Others had experienced losses, some far worse than my own, and they seemed to move on. Then, I came across some material about prolonged grief experiences which helped me to better understand myself.

When grief is not acknowledged by those close to you — especially family members and friends — and genuine care and compassion are not offered, the experience leading to grief is difficult to accept ‘as real’. For an individual in shock, there needs to be evidence of acceptance, through others who are well known to them. Otherwise, grieving extends for prolonged periods; at times indefinitely. Compassion from others helps the griever accept what has occurred, so that they may begin to move forward.

For the various losses I have had — from miscarriages through the last passage experienced — I did not have the experience of close ones compassionately caring, asking or even acknowledging what had taken place. For them, life seemed to go on as if nothing had happened. There was no conversation. No one ever asked how I was; nor checked in. This type of social gaslighting creates further grief. And the most challenging comment, ‘You’re a spiritual teacher, you should just get over it.’ had me really wondering about what ‘humanity’ is.

I found that many individuals close to me turned away or disappeared. This is often common. There is an aspect of avoidance in our society when it comes to grief, pain and suffering. It is indicative of the apathy and indifference that exists in our world. In other words, the loss of humanity. It is also why we see more rage than ever. Until willing to be with sadness, we cannot touch compassion; much less our own humanity.

I have seen that it is difficult for many to be with those who are grieving, in pain, or have experienced loss… because of not having been fully present with their own grief and pain. I also feel that it becomes difficult to face the trauma of another, if not willing to bear the face of one’s own trauma.

Until learning how to be in our hearts, holding the full range of our experiences, it is not possible to listen, or be present, to others. Until facing our own pain, it is nearly impossible to have empathy for the pain of others, or our world. It remains disconnected; or mental, at best.

And, it is important to know, that there is a level of aloneness and solitude that someone experiencing loss and grief must undergo. There is nothing anyone else can do in those moments, but their presence is comforting. Having lifelines that become a respite from the grief are essential.

Do not judge how long it takes an individual to grieve, because it will be different for every person. The length of grief is also dependent on how well a person is supported.

Forgive us all for not knowing what we are doing.

Have there been moments where I have done the same? Prior to facing my pain this last time, probably so; and unconsciously so, like most.

I have realized that time’s compounding experiences build walls and guard rails inside; barriers to love that become invisible. These de‘fences’ build a safe distance against others, so that levels of intimacy with acquaintances, friends, and potential lovers are held at bay. Fortunately, grief eventually comes to wash those defenses away, if willing to allow it.

Plunging into darkness is… a leap into the void.

With the compounding grief, and the added PTSD my body was unveiling due to repetitive experiences of trauma over many years, I intuitively knew I had to stop everything that I was doing and allow space. It was vital to give myself time and boundaries. Consciously, I chose to be consumed by the experience occurring; ‘self’ absorbed. It was necessary for darkness to swallow me whole. This would be my only ‘real’ way to heal and reemerge with wisdom and an expanded consciousness. The spiritual explorer within wanted to know this dimension of humanity.

I gave myself permission to consciously ‘go unconscious’, so that I could discover what lay beneath my identity and circumstances. I decided that I would be as devoted to ‘Darkness’ as I had long been to ‘Light’.

Darkness is… A sacred womb. A birthing canal. A wormhole.

I was unable to return to my typical ‘go to’, which is ‘work’. But, not being able to work was actually a good thing. Work, busyness, and overactivity tended to be my addiction and distraction over the prior years (and this is addiction and distraction for most). My body would not allow me to do much of anything, much less work. It was in complete control; and I am grateful for its infinite wisdom in doing so.

I don’t want to bypass the fact that there were really painful and excruciating moments. We all experience these times as some point. But there were also these interwoven spaces of peace, calm — and at times — instances of joy, amidst the grieving which was paradoxical. In one instance, when the intensity of pain and grief reached the highest peak of expression, a wave of peace washed over. I became so present to the moment, to my SELF, and the unity present within the duality of my experiences, that all contrast dissolved. I became presence.

You will grieve until you don’t. You will be like a wet cloth, continually wringing out remaining tears. And then, after a few months with no tears, you will find yourself awash with them again; sometimes for no reason at all. This is the body… remembering… mourning… asking to be held... and inviting you back inside.

A gestational matrix. A breeding ground for cradling new life.

My experiences of grief and loss have brought more gifts than I can share here. And, I would go through it all over again, because of where it has brought me. Tremendous spiritual growth occurred. Through that ten year experience, I was able to experientially see and know layers of the multi-dimensional human experience. I could see the intersecting lines between illusions, blessings and grace.

The handmaidens of loss and grief have you drink of sacred waters; sometimes misting, trickling, dripping, raining, waterfall-ing… from your ‘i/eye/I’s… and gently baptizing you with holy understanding.

Loss and grief brought forth the gifts of solitude, space, and time for a deep contemplative practice… These gifts continually invited me to breathe, paint, walk, take long baths, sit, swing at playgrounds, and get lost in many forests.

Through moments that stretched into hours, and years that felt timeless, I grew more than I could have any other way. Aside from great wisdom, integration, understanding, heightened sensitivity, and intuition… my capacity to love deeply — unconditionally, compassionately, and whole-heartedly — expanded. The long winter of grief and loss enriched my soil... and my soul.

The pain grew me — spiritually, emotionally and mentally stronger — to the point that nothing rocks me.
PTSD slowed me down, allowing me to sink deeply into my body, and truly connect into my heart, humanity, and soul.
Grief wrung me dry, so that I could more purely hold unconditional acceptance, love, forgiveness, and grace for everyone and everything.
Loss relieved me of my attachments, cravings, aversions, and desires.
‘Darkness’ introduced me to ‘real’ Light; ‘true’ illumination.
Light revealed ‘Darkness’ as a holy trickster, sacred advocate, and devoted guardian.
Aloneness taught about me all about oneness.
Vulnerability showed me that I am safe in my defenseless.

I am grateful for each and every experience of loss and the grief that finally came. The de-construction of loss tore down a house that needed to crumble. Within the rubble, I found myself again... a truer, hidden, more natural SELF. The ensuing floods that grief provided were grace. These waterfall were vital in washing away what no longer served.

The path that I chose is not a likely path for most. Who would simply stop life? Thank goodness I did; and for those who cannot, or are afraid to, I was guided to share the wisdom in a way that gently allows the insights to come amidst the everyday. That is my latest trilogy, if interested. (Info is at the end, should you wish to know more.)

Many might question taking such time, allowing the space, have fear around money, and how being present to oneself affects others. I had to face all of these things. However, self-love requires this devotion. Healing does as well. Letting go of these fears and constructs is at the heart of personal and spiritual growth. Standing for one’s highest good requires the courage and willingness to have the false dissolve so that only truth remains.

Any individual, regardless of who they are, where they come from, their religious background, level of education, or economic status… can achieve transcendence and enlightenment.

I am just beginning to write about these experiences. It was important to fully pass through the eye of the needle before sharing. It is important to me that each new expression be gentle, and come from love, neutrality, objectivity and equanimity. In order to extract the essence and wisdom, purity must be the foundation.

Now, I place a sacred seal upon this soulful covenant; one that was mine to complete. The fastening and closure of intense chapters become the chalice; once lead, alchemize into a golden cup of consciousness.

In honoring the grace of life’s sufferings with full presence, the human condition is brought into the Light of transparency and all are set free.

Your life holds the ingredients for enlightenment. Stay present to what is yours.

Ironically, the only way to become Masters is… to master. So whatever your life holds… remember that ‘BIG beings go through BIG things’… and we are all Masters. BIG BEINGS... who incarnated for mastery.

I grew up being taught that we are not supposed to mention our messes, much less write or talk about them… but beauty is born out of messiness. In my very first book, Conversations With the Universe, I wrote…

“You are the mess, the message and the messenger.”

Once again, I am returning to the land of innocence; the beginner’s mind. As souls sharing this human experience, I imagine we encounter many things in far more similar ways than many of us realize. My hope is that you find breadcrumbs here. Utilize whatever supports you on your life path. And take advantage of the additional resources that I create.

I have always only desired to be an example. Having taken many leaps in my life… this moment of rebirth feels crazy, exhilarating, frightening, and freeing; all at the same time. Let your life ebb and flow. Trust that there is always a rebirth after the rain. It’s all… experience.

Simplicity has many meanings; it is grounded in living from the heart; allowing Essence to guide, and provide.

I believe that our world is asking us to embrace simplicity… to go back to the basics… to hold the bare, naked, bold truth in our hands… to reflect humanity to one another… and return to the highest aspect of ourselves in the process.

The time and space taken allowed my voice, creativity, guidance and mentoring capabilities to grow. And, I have noticed that stewarding others toward their true soulful aliveness is a truly mutually beautiful experience. I hear past the ‘words being spoken’, and discern ‘the truth whispered beneath the skin’. I see the soul ‘beyond masks, ego, or identity’.

The unconscious is ‘unconscious’, no matter how conscious a person believes they are. If not taking the time to stop one’s life for a period, it becomes necessary to have an experienced guide that lovingly facilitates bringing the hidden to light.

Simplicity leans into what fills the soul, and fuels the heart.

Experiences 18 years ago initiated my 11:11 experiences and 11:11 work. They offered moments of escape from hardship, a way to create beauty, and method for making meaning out of what I was dealing with.

Without ever intending to write again, that multi-year pause led to penning my life’s work, the Self-Realization Oracle Trilogy… a set of sacred oracles revealing a ladder of consciousness; powerful esoteric guides for mastering the human experience and self transcendence.

I must caution… they are not like other books. They are not really meant to be read — well, at least not quickly as you would other books. These are designed to bring a person into greater presence and stillness. They are designed to activate greater stillness, inquiry and contemplation. A paragraph, or a page at most, out of each one daily is what allows the appropriate medicine for reuniting the separated selves.

I mentor individuals 1-1 for those wanting an intimate deep dive with my stewardship, and a deepening into their ‘7’ series multidimensional landscape of Living — Being — Knowing.

I also offer support through my paid subscription for those looking for a nominal method that provides pointings. This includes other personal shares, meditations and the private chat as a sacred, safe community.

Thank you for being my sacred witness… for your presence… and your time. In reflection and awe of all that life holds — I am rooted in the strength and resilience of… your… my… our… holy humanity and sacred divinity.

And if interested in knowing more, you may enjoy these three posts: